REBLOGGING MY OLD FAVOURITES I ENJOYED WRITING 🙂
Never meant to hurt anyone or to start that fire it just happened, a call for help rather than a malicious act of unkindness. If I’d known it would have hurt others I would never have done it. I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I sit here in my room on my bed, head down rocking back and fourth, for 10 years I’ve been detained under the Mental Health Act 1983 for a crime I did while not in the right frame of mind, plagued with negative thoughts.
Each year that passes, I think this year is the year they’ll release me. I can move on with my life. Instead they shuffle their papers and stare at me like a science project ,through the window. I’m watched observed day and night.
Grief , misery, loneliness and regret are my daily thoughts and feelings. I grieve over the lives I claimed with my actions it wasn’t me it was the negative voices, I’m miserable as my life for 10 years has been within the confinement of these 4 walls, I’m lonely as no one thinks to come and visit me, and I regret that I did not speak up sooner and say I hear negative voices within me, I regret my
Actions from all those years ago. My community no longer see me as one of them, this is a small town and word gets around, they whisper in the shadows about me my name is folk law around these parts.
Time is a great healer they say, I’m not healed, I don’t think that I ever will be. Not until these negative voices leave me. Why did I do it? What were you thinking ? The police questioned me for hours. As I stood on the stand in court charged with murder and arson the jury looked at me closely debating -am I am murderer? Or just a girl disturbed.
I had a father, mother and 2 brothers I was the eldest of 3.
Very rarely did anyone stop to think, is she OK? Does she feel in the right state of mind today? Has she heard those voices again today?
Each year these voices would plague me.
Talking to me , tell me to do things, make me believe that people were after me. The negative thoughts were always on replay in my mind; before the fire, before my outburst.
How could they miss the signs that my mental state was slowing on a steady road to decline. I never did drugs if that’s what you’re thinking, I never drunk alcohol if that’s what you’re thinking. I left that to my father and constantly depressed mother.
One hot summers day, I was out in the yard sitting under the large oak tree, the voices started talking to me; I watched my father in the yard sweating and grunting chopping up wood. As his swigged his beer and looked over at me
Ugly voices told me, ” get him before he gets you” ” get him before he puts his grubby hands on you again”. Negative thoughts ran through my mind as I watched him closely with a smirk on my face. He yelled up at the open window to my mother ” get your ass out of bed you good for nothing women.”Mama was always sad, always needed to lay down I couldn’t understand at the time I was only 16.
Going back over the events of that day , the day I burned down that house with my family inside I rock, back and forth my arms wrapped around myself. The nurse walks past, every 15 minutes.
‘‘How are you today” they say to me every day, ” I’m fine” and I rock, I sway. I count down another day… how many until my release day? Criminally insane they labelled me I guess I will never get to see my release day.
Tomorrow is another day, I rock, sway and I prey for all these negative thoughts to go away just for one day. Day in day out there is no pause button this is my reality every day as the
Seasons pass me, spring, summer, autumn and winter. Years pass me but these negative thoughts never seem to leave me.
**My gosh! This challenge was tough I really did not know which way to go with this one thanks MiracleGirl for another writing work out !**